JayRated Reviews: Angry Birds Space

If there’s one thing I hate more than the phrase “It’s just a game.” it would have to be the watery discharge seeping down the inside of society’s leg known only as ‘casual games’. I’ve always thought the human race could use a good culling and I think the mindless drones who swarm over casual games are a good place to start. Nothing shows an incessent lack of creativity, spark, originality and flair than a game that’s core mechanic is flicking paper into a bin. However, the shit-smeared shinning examle of this ever spreading plague of casual games that really does make me want to hop in the local clocktower with a fully loaded semi-automatic and a fully removed sense of compassion for human life is Angry Birds.The formula of angling a pissed pidgeon through the air into something that resembles a pig only in name is suicidally repetitive is bad enough. Yet couple this with the fact that this game now essentially has it’s own religion and it continues to reassure my belief that any social interaction with these gelationous creatures creatively deemed ‘casual gamers’ can only be deemed beneficial with the addition of a 12 gague shotgun and thus should be kept to a strict minimum.

Unless you’re missing the majority of your frontal lobe then you might have noticed that I didn’t like the first ‘Angry Birds’ very much, it was repetitive, bland and mind-fuckingly infuriating in it’s inconsistency. I thought it was bad enough that I had to play it on an Apple product encompassing the same values, the fact that people were foaming over it like fatties at the sight of a Krispy Kreme just added to my frustrations. Yet along comes Angry Birds Space, boasting new game play mechanics, a new bird and squirting hype out of every possible extremity leaving a sticky mess on the carpet in it’s wake. Now, when I hear the term “new game play mechanics” I get a little too happy in the pants, I thought green ‘pigs’ were flying and that there was a possibility that I could like Angry Birds Space so I took a deep breath, sat up straight and put my ‘Objective’ review hat on. Yet no amount of objectivity or hat swagger will convince me that this is a worthy sequel, the issues that assaulted the first one in a back alley are still here; the only difference is the ‘Space’ aspect of the game almost gets off on the fact that it does little to mask the issues of it’s predecessor. Angry Birds Space is that annoying cretin of a next door neighbour you had as a kid who didn’t care if they were pissing you off as long as you gave the bastard attention.

As Yahtzee mentioned in his review of ‘Peggle‘ the biggest appeal of the casual game is a simple, addictive formula that one can pick up in a matter of seconds and continue playing for days until they brush the spiderwebs off their feet and emerge from their place of residence only to find that they’ve been pronounced legally dead. In regards to Angry Brids Space, the issue stopping the game from achieving the same soul-sucking imersion that most casual games master is a problem that was rampant in the series’ original installment, that of frustrating inconsistency. I found that my first experiences with Angry Birds Space could be summarized simply by a blank stare and a slightly twitching upper lip, a bird launched perfectly can get a 1 Star result one time and a 3 Star the very next time without changing the angle or power of the shot at all. It’s like the game realized that I was one black-eyed grinning pig away from throwing my iPad from the side of a speeding train, so it gave me 3 Stars out of pity more so than skill. The games difficulty curve seemed to have been mapped on a roller coaster as I often found myself regularly requiring walk-throughs  from about 1-14 onwards, Dark Souls needs a walk-through, The Witcher needs a walk-through; a game centred in a market of simplistic formulas should not require a guide on how to pull back a slingshot.

Sure on the other hand there’s positives too, the new character design is refreshing, soundtrack is solid and there is a great sense of satisfaction when you see your launched bird curve perfectly around the atmosphere of a planet before hitting the pig’s structure for a 3 star score, but these moments soon lose their charm when you find yourself repeating the same level over and over again to no avail. In my date with Angry Birds these bushy eyebrows could have used some fine tuning but overall weren’t a deal breaker for me. However as Angry Birds got up to go to the bathroom what really made me run for the hills was the slight bulge of zero gravity levels I glimpsed in between ‘her’ thighs. Zero gravity levels? What the shit were they thinking!? Did the Colombian Janitor at Rovio run out of Lemon Pledge and just decide to screw with the coding for Space or something? This is a game based ENTIRELY on physics puzzles! WHY WOULD YOU REMOVE GRAVITY YOU STUPID FUCKS? In all seriousness this is a monumentally stupid addition to the game because predicting the flight path of small projectiles in space without a degree in Elemental Chaos Theory is the equivalent of trying to pinpoint the return of Christ.

Despite attempting to remove the only constant in the game, gravity, Rovio have attempted to compensate their monumental ‘cock’ up (See what I did there?) with the addition of a new bird, the ‘Ice Bird’, only problem is it doesn’t really do anything. Presumably it’s ability is to weaken structures by freezing them allowing for an easier break, but in most of the instances it’s used a Red Bird could simply smash through the structure normally with roughly the same effect. The way I play Angry Birds is, like most people to complete the level with the minimum amount of shots in order to seductively lather myself in those juicy 10,000 point bonuses coming from not wasting your ammo. The Ice Bird however is essentially a waste of 10,000 points because it’s always the first bird on the sling forcing me to use the stupid little twat, if it had more of an impact on the level I could understand it’s addition to the game but unlike the other birds it doesn’t feel like a necessity to complete the level efficiently.

IN

CON

COO

SHUN

I know this is a lot of bitching and moaning for $2.99 but with the standard of games now on the App store has gotten to the point where if you have to pay for it, it better be amazing. I understand it’s the same price as a cup of coffee but when I order a cappuccino but a cappuccino is consistent all the way through, unlike Angry Birds Space it doesn’t taste like God’s vagina one moment and Satan’s the next. This game would have made an excellent update for the original game but as a full release it just feels padded out and samey. Aspects like choosing your arsenal for a level and upgrading your birds with new abilities for a steady increase in consistent challenge would make this series so much more enjoyable and deep but unfortunately Rovio haven’t seemed to capitalise on their unprecedented amounts of income and the result is an experience all too familiar. I spent 3 hours with this game trying so hard to like it, I wanted to be blinded by mediocrity and mindlessly kneel with the masses and praise the wonder that is Angry Birds but I couldn’t. A series is supposed to maintain the core aspects of it’s original instalment while simultaneously absolving the formers issues while adding new features that complement the existing game play in order to give it the perfect balance of familiarity and new experience. Angry Birds Space did all too well to maintain the core aspects of it’s ancestor but failed to evolve, and failed to impress. If you are a huge fan of the original Angry Birds, you’ll definitely get a kick out of the new levels, but I can’t see Angry Birds Space doing much to expand the series’ fanbase.

Current Average Review Score: 84/100

My Score: 6/10

See For Yourselves:

NASA Announcement Trailer

Gameplay Trailer

‘Ice Bird’ Trailer